When a dream becomes a nightmare - Part III (How it ended)

As fast as the story began, as fast it ended.

I seldom experienced such an abrupt cut.

I somehow found myself confessing my feelings and told him that I would like to get to know him better. Normally, I am quite a rational person and all my decisions I make are well-thought through. Somehow this action was not driven by rationality, but solely by feelings and pure emotions. A side of me that never or extremely rarely shows when there are important decisions to make.

His response threw me pretty much off the track. It wasn’t the actual rejection that hurt me. It was something different. He told me that he isn’t real. However, it wasn’t a “game” for him. But he is not real.

I was just left with a lot of questions…

What does this mean, not a “game”? It wasn’t a game for him in the usual sense, but what game was it? If he isn’t real, was all the things he said and did unreal too? Why did he end it that aprublty? How can he have no emtions when he told me that he really likes me? Why would he do that? And how could he?

Still, I have not found the answers to the questions. And I will never find them unless we will meet again at some point in our lives and he is willing to explain himself to me.

However, for now, I try to look forward and try forgetting him — as he told me to do so.

To be honest, it is hard to forget someone who threw you off the tracks in such a short time. It is hard to forget someone who told you that he really likes you. It is hard to forget someone who gave you hope and who gave you the prospect of being in touch for a very long time. It is hard to forget someone who made you feel special and happy. It is hard to forget someone who was the reason for an almost head over heel decision.

The truth is, it is hard to forget someone you could imagine being with…

maybe to be continued…?… or maybe not be continued…

Some afterthoughts

It has been some months ago since this all happened. And still, it is not easy for me. The thing that gets to me the most is that I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to let go. I sometimes get attached to people, sometimes rather quickly, but it never happened to this extent. On the one hand, I blame myself for this situation because how could this even happen and on the other hand, I am very well aware that it was not my fault. For emotions happening as they occurred — two persons are needed, or at least I always thought so.

Life is not a Hollywood movie. Life is not always fair. And life does not go the way we aimed for. And still, I do have some hope for a happy end… And at the same moment, I know that hope is wrong. It at least feels wrong to me, because it feeds an illusion. It provides food for thought for a construct that will probably remain a construct of my own mind.

There is no contact at all. I deleted everything. The only thing where we still could reach out to each other is ironically a business network platform — business and career were exactly those things he wanted to focus on for the next two years and therefore terminated the contact we had.

When a dream becomes a nightmare — Part II (How we met)

You shared some beautiful songs with me. Every single one of them touched directly my heart.

to be continued…

When a dream becomes a nightmare — Part I (How it all began)

Disclaimer: Dear reader, as I enjoy music very much I have taken the freedom to add some songs to the story. Feel free to listen to them while reading.

First of all, I don’t believe in cheesy love stories. I don’t think that the life depicted in a Hollywood romance movie could ever become reality.

I am in a long-term relationship and we have mastered several challenging situations. This strengthens the relationship but at the same time, it develops a certain connection which is based on a kind of dependence — or at least that is true for me because it gives you security.

I am thankful having experienced a typical teen-romance like the ones you read in books: lots of butterflies in the stomach, music which connects you with special moments and memories, the first kiss, the first everything. When I think back it has been a really carefree time although when my 17-year old myself would have disagreed with me. I mean when you are in your teens you often see more trouble and problems in things where there are none. And yes, puberty is not always easy but nonetheless, I am grateful for this teen-love I was able to experience.

It was a great time, of course with a lot of ups and downs — just the typical teenage life.

Most relationships don’t survive “the big personality change” as I like to call it. Around your twenties, your priorities shift. You may grow apart because you pursue different dreams. It is not that unusual that you as a person change. This was exactly the case with us — we both changed and although we went through this “transition” we didn’t grow apart.

But I realised that I became during my university years way more outgoing and extroverted. In short, I became more myself again. I was always a happy and very vivid as a child and I somehow lost this part over time. University was a great time. Of course, the exam season was always a dreadful and very stressful time, nonetheless, I enjoyed my life as a student with every facet that belonged to such a student life. Yes, lots of parties, drinking and so on…

This all led to the notion that I might be missing somethings out because I am in a relationship; because I am tied to a person. When you fully trust your partner and you share an open communication then why not try opening the relationship, we both thought as we discussed my “fear of missing out”.

Fast forward: It worked astonishingly well. Experiencing all the things that normally a single person does was, to be frank, fun. Physical cheating was no longer cheating. The only limit we set ourself was emotional cheating. And surprisingly I had no problem whatsoever to keep those two components apart. I never saw myself as a person who would be capable of separating emotions from sex, but it worked well.

I had two totally different things that usually are not compatible — I had a stable relationship with a person who was and is always there for me and whom I love while simultaneously I had almost all the freedom a single person has.

Like already mentioned in the beginning, I am not a believer in cheesy love stories. Of course, every relationship has some magic moments but I never believed in love at first sight or in soulmates…

to be continued…

Originally published on Medium


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